Memoirs

of a

Well-Meaning

Antagonist

This is the story of a man 

who tried to sit quietly in a room

and failing miserably, made

trouble for himself and others

by believing that “doing” 

something, anything, all the time, 

was the way to live 

a proper productive life. 

Intent on being generous he began

giving money to assorted vagrants

he saw living on the street

who then managed to save and raise

enough funds to buy firearms

and rob every liquor store

within an 8 block radius.

There were 4.

On hearing a neighbor was dying

he went to the local parish

to ask the preacher to pay a visit

possibly to perform last rites, 

resulting in the ill man

infecting the clergyman,

sickening both he and his wife

and killing their infant son Stuart.

Reading every self-help book

he could get his hands on 

to build up his confidence,

the man began lecturing

a neighbor who he felt was not

living up to their potential,

prompting the tenant to overdose

on 40 phenobarbital tablets,

leaving behind a note confessing

utter shame for having failed others.

Determined to help a hoarder

he met at a suicide center

after being invited back to meet

her tabby cat, easily concluded

that owning too many things

was like owning nothing of value

and offering to help bring order 

to her clutter, was promptly 

told to go F%#* himself

as she preferred living

in harmony with her

own eclectic

yet happily 

lived-in mind.

Needless to say

he was not invited back.

Hoping to be of assistance by

giving back to his community

he volunteered at a soup kitchen

twice monthly, dressing down

so as not to offend the poorest

amongst him, only to drop a full ladle

of steaming hot minestrone

scalding a homeless woman’s foot

so bad she worried a limp

for weeks.

Then one day

convinced he could fix

what ailed a fellow co-worker

who was not meeting his quota

and not following proper protocol,

but by now having figured out

no good turn goes un-stoned

and that its best to leave 

well-enough alone,

sat down on a rock

beneath a tree

in leu of a breeze

and held his tongue.

09/15/21